"Oh, and what does n't help is that I've given up chocolate! Been clean for four days. It's a struggle"

"So, you're hormonal then?"

"You mean weepy ?"

"Or aggressive"

"Not really. More I'm in a semi-permanent moan mode"

So, what happened? How have I ended up like this? Easily. My Doctor spoke to me the way I've only ever seen in films or flittered across on TV soaps. There we were, facing each other across the table; the pause, then the question:

"You know why I've asked you here?"

"Er..there's something, umm, not right with one of my test results?"

Doc, really it's my inner voice you should be listening to right now. It's at a higher pitch than a dog whistle: he's going to tell me... Oh my God, I don't want to punch the clock early. Silent scream!

"Your blood pressure is fine... ECG the same...Renal test no problem... Cholesterol pretty good...in fact your 'good' cholesterol is very good. Whatever you're doing there don't stop. It's the sugar test. Higher than I'd like to see it. Need to look at that. Do you eat sweets, sugary foods, chocolate, that kind of thing?"

"Chocolate? Yeah. Now and again...occasionally".

Pinocchio ! Occasionally ! I dare n't tell him how much I chomp through on a weekly basis. I'll be giving him First Aid (Nurse, Nurse, QUICK! It's the Doctor, gone green at the gills).

I don't eat it. That's too kind. Forget the I'm in control, it does n't control me thing. If only. I'm in thrall to it. It's bonded Slave is me! I'm probably the Oliver Reed or Keith Richards of Chocolate. I've been on a Cocoa Lost Weekend for years. My minimum, the absolute rock bottom consumption is two bars a day. It used to be four before I decided to go on short rations. Every day of the week, week after week, month after month. Christ, that's over fourteen hundred bars a year! What's the number of the Priory?

He does n't want to put me on medication and I sure as eggs are eggs don't want to be on any either. Therefore I strike as much sugar as I can out of my life and return in six months for a review. I'm lean and mean enough to stay clean normally, but this is Chocolate we're talking about. My Friend through thick and thin, and now cruel separation. I've gotta be brave. Tough love. Stiff upper lip and no eye contact with anything faintly reeking of cocoa dust. Just say no...but I'm not sure if I can...

It's finally caught up with me. Unimaginable.