I always have a little bit of uncertainty whenever I buy anything that has a slogan in a foreign language - does it really mean what the people in the shop are insisting it does ?

Were they were on the level when they said that the swirl of Japanese characters across the front and back of the two t-shirts I bought is a delicately balanced, elegantly constructed, sensitive haiku that Basho would have been envious of ? Am I wearing something that says that - and by extension references me as nuanced, discerning - or did I shell out nearly £40 just to walk around with a tee-shirt that says oldest virgin in town?

I think I'm ok...after all I did buy these particular t-shirts in the grounds of a Japanese temple, and that has to be a positive sign. But what about all these people who have weird oriental symbols tattooed along their arms and across their shirts, what are they saying here: funky, edgy, with a meaningful piece of prose, or is it a line from a takeaway menu, they've had inked in to the skins.

I don't like tattoos full stop, but imagine you've undergone the agony of having one of the damn things done, and all that exquisite oriental calligraphy really says is "Chicken with bean sprouts". Tattoos are for life as well.