One man's mess is another's beautiful minimalism was the convoluted, and let's admit it, furtive, description I gave someone of my flat.

Messy, though, is as you can see from my opening statement, all relative, and there are many gradations. But, I'm, worryingly, at the extreme end. Every day, my poor, old flat inches nearer and nearer to eyesore.

I'm privately terrified that those I have the courage to invite round, will see my flat, leave quickly, their hasty goodbye floating down the corridor, to make an urgent phone call to the social services "...single man living on his own....obviously can't cope...hurry..."