Bilko, I know you're desperate to go out...I do honestly. I'm not letting the other one out simply because they have special privileges or bought favour, it's not like that, there are no trusties. This is n't a prison. Although, I agree if the full facts were not known, it could definitely seem like that: fed the same food twice a day, only water to drink, and confined to quarters. Taken out of context then, none of that reads as if it's exactly been penned by a Human Rights activist, I admit.

I can't let you out, you have to stay in, you're still in recovery (now it sounds like I'm running an AA Clinic). Don't forget you had an operation. You hurt your hip. Remember? I definitely do, it happened on my watch, though I've no idea how. We could do with talking about how that happened, except we can't. For obvious reasons.

Camping by the back door hour after hour, and then putting one of your limbs between the door and the frame to stop me closing it. Nothing, nothing says how much you want to go outside...Weasel words I know, but I'm only following orders...I am... I am... !

And then to turn round when I'm out in the garden to see two luminous yellow - green eyes peering plaintively through the perspex of the cat flap, the pad of your paw held against it...I have a heart. I do, believe me.

Just hang on a couple of days, get the all clear that you're healed, then it's back to business, you can go outside freely, and do whatever it is cats do. A few more days that's all.

If only we could talk to animals. That's got to be one of the next great scientific breakthroughs. To look this cat full in the eye, have him seated on the couch, where I could properly explain why he's not allowed out, that he's temporarily confined to barracks for a reason - he hurt himself, and he's not been forcibly removed of his rights as a Cat to roam or loll in the Sun. Be so much easier. Take some of the guilt away I'm feeling, certainly.