To the man on the tube this evening. If you're going to bound into the carriage, glare at everyone, and then shout out you can't bear being near ugly people, then at least do it with some elan. Show hauteur, contempt, demonstrate imperial disdain. You could have swished around in a huff, turned your back on the fifteen or so of your fellow passengers. All of us unclean to your very eyes.

Except you did n't, and this is where I feel, even as a groundling and thus unfit for view, I ought to point out a few things. Scorn is best delivered, it's more forceful, when it's clearly audible to the listener; your hacking cough, half spitting made it difficult for us to understand exactly what you were saying. We got the gist, mind you, just not the exact content.

Dressing, yes, that helps. It's been very warm recently, so I can accept you were dressing for the season, however, you need to wash what you wear regularly. The carriage was pretty pungent whilst you were lecturing us. Worth fastening your trousers too, otherwise the message is lost, the audience ends up distracted. My personal plea: try to wear something underneath your trousers as well. I don't think I was the only one who caught a glimpse of something fish belly white going by the reactions on a few faces.

I find it onerous having to shave as well, but I do anyway, everyday as well. Yes, it's impudence and inexcusable temerity, just I have to say it: you could do with getting the razor out. That's not Miami Vice stubble you're carrying. More bearded old testament prophet, but if that's the look you're going for, then who am I... ?

Hope you don't mind me saying so. This takes me to something else: do you drink? You were pretty red-faced...unless of course it was brought on by the exasperation, OK, the horror then, of having to be in the same carriage as us. Maybe it was, I don't know. You smoke, don't you...now we all know that's not healthy, and I twigged that the reason you tried to on the tube was your natural defiance as well as showing how much more maverick you are compared to those meek wallflowers sat near you....but it's not healthy, you're harming yourself, which is why we all asked you to stop. We were n't worried about us, no, far from it, it's you we were thinking of. Yes, you...

Accept this in the spirit of constructive criticism; if you want to succeed in this field, and bluntly, you've got a clear run, I've never been on a tube where this has happened before and I've been strap hanging for nearly twenty-five years, then these things might help sharpen your act. But I end on a note of caution: choose your audience, you were fortunate we were all knackered and burnt out and frankly could n't care, do this on a train packed with football fans - different story.