I've been giving some thought to how the programme for the 2012 Olympics might appear if the Daily Mail had a hand in running it. Been harder than I imagined, but I've got a rudimentary track and field agenda, plus one or two other events covered.

One thing to mention: since the Daily Mail abhors metrication (foreign, Brussels, EU iniquities etc), all lengths, distances, weights have to be in imperial. Sturdy, manly British measurements, redoubtable emblems of a millenia of freedom in their eyes at least, liberty and Independence, hearts of oak....pretty interesting when you think most of we true Brits were unable to cast a vote until the late (very late 19th Century), and it took time for the franchise to widen from just one sex to both sexes. But, that's for another day, back to business

Track and Field, not enough for a decathlon yet, but pretty strong nevertheless, and it is only early days as well, so I expect others to come along.

Track events

100 yards dash - it's in imperial measurements, sounds very Corinthian, and absolutely for the gentleman amateur because they're the only ones who can participate as the Mail's feudal world vision has most men either in prison or working till they drop. There will, of course be no women's race equivalent. How can they train, the thought even; Mailworld has them firmly in one or more of these categories: barefoot, pregnant and by the kitchen sink, or consumed by nameless womanly vapours.

Metric martyrs mile - To celebrate the victory of a handful of doughty market traders against the impositions of Brussels or how common sense saw down irrational Europe. The fact that it condemns millions of us to be stuck using a system we don't really understand (how many fluid ounces to a pint again? 1760 yards to a mile?) and might actually be an inconvenience, well, that can be left to a two line column on page 50 of the Mail.

Knee-jerking - no need to explain

Jumping to conclusions - again, no need for me to explain what this is. The Mail's business model is founded on the relentless exploitation of both of them.

Swimming

Queen Mother crawl - only one I could think of

Speciality events

Morris dancing - robust echoes of english country life which can never be lauded enough....and as it involves men dressed up and waving sticks at each other, it's martial enough to appeal to the brigadier set.

Saluting (team and individual) - nothing they like more than a photo of a Life Guard saluting some member of the Royal Family...but never a politician and certainly not a Labour one, far too lese-majeste.

This is where I've got to. Run out of ideas. That's got to be more that on the 2012 Daily Mail Olympics programme. Help me out someone